Making It Work

The Rev. Dr. Skip Ferguson

Manassas Presbyterian Church

Manassas, Virginia

June 23, 2013

Making It Work

Selected Texts

We’ve seen them,

the couple sitting at a table in a restaurant,

across from each other,

the two of them enjoying their meal,

smiling each time the server brings something,

but otherwise silent,

barely a word passing between them,

each of them more alone than together.

They don’t seem to be angry with one another,

as though caught in an argument that began at home,

an argument they brought with them to the restaurant,

each of them dug in, neither willing to yield.

No, they just aren’t talking to each other;

no conversation,

no connection.

They eat their meal in silence;

they leave the restaurant in silence;

and in all likelihood go home in silence,

the house just as quiet with the two of them there

as it was while they were out.

To look at them, you might guess

they’d been married 30 years, perhaps 40.

We wouldn’t expect them to

fawn over each other like newlyweds,

and we are glad they aren’t barking at each other,

snapping, bickering, and arguing their way

through their courses.

But still we’d hope to see some spark,

some connection,

something to break the silence.

Something that says they are

happy to be with each other.

Surely they must have something

to say to each other.

God gave us marriage as a gift –

we talked about that last week.

God gave us the gift of marriage

because God doesn’t want us to be alone.

God gave us marriage so we would have partners,

partners to go through life with,

partners to share life with:

the times of joy and the times of sorrow,

the times of plenty and the times of want;

the times of sickness

and the times of vibrant health.

God gave us this wonderful gift

and God wants us to live joyfully in the gift,

two together, not two separate;

husband and wife as companions,

partners connected in love and friendship.

“The Lord God said,

‘It is not good that the man should be alone;

I will make him a … partner.’

(Genesis 2:18)

Even though God has given us this gift,

as we learned last week,

the Bible is surprisingly lacking in examples of

what marriage should look like,

models for us to follow,

something for us to hold up and say,

“this is what marriage should be like.”

But where the Bible lacks examples, models,

it more than makes up for with passages to guide us,

words of wisdom,

counsel,

advice that can steer any couple, every couple,

on their journey through life together,

through the inevitable ups and downs,

strengthening their connection in bad times

as well as in the good times,

sometimes even more in the bad times.

Each time I preside at a marriage,

I share words that come from Paul’s letter to the Colossians,

words Paul did not write with marriage in mind,

but words that provide such a perfect guide

for two people about to begin life together:

“As God’s chosen ones,

clothe yourselves with compassion,

kindness, humility,

gentleness, and patience.

Bear with one another,

and if one has a complaint against the other,

forgive each other;

Just as the Lord has forgiven you,

so you also must forgive.

Above all, clothe yourselves with love,

which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.

Be thankful;

and whatever you do, in word or deed,

do everything in the name of our Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

(Colossians 3:12-17)

Clothe yourselves with love

which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Clothe yourselves with love

by living with compassion toward one another,

with humility,

with kindness,

with patience,

with gentleness.

Bear with one another –

which means we need to learn how to forgive one another.

For we ourselves have been forgiven.

This is one of the more difficult lessons

for a married couple to learn –

learning how to forgive,

because forgiveness doesn’t come easily.

What comes easily is anger.

But there, too, Scripture guides us with the words,

“Do not let the sun

go down on your anger.”

(Ephesians 4:26)

Now we all have tempers;

our Lord himself showed his temper,

his short fuse, on more than a few occasions.

It isn’t anger that is the sin –

as long as it isn’t disproportionate;

it isn’t being angry that’s the sin;

it is when we remain angry –

that’s when we sin;

for when we remain angry

we’re not forgiving, are we?

We may not be able to let go of our anger

before the sun goes down;

sometimes it may take a little longer

to work through our anger.

But still, we are called by God to let go of the anger,

to forgive,

to move on,

and yes, to forget,

truly to let go.

Married life, like all of life,

is filled with things that annoy, irritate, anger:

Every couple has their own litany:

He doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste;

She never picks up her towels;

He’s always texting;

She’s always on Facebook;

He never helps with the dishes;

She never takes out the garbage;

He never treats me with tenderness;

She never treats me with interest.

Last week we heard that the divorce rate

among couples 50 and older,

men and women married more than 20 years,

30 or more years,

has jumped surprisingly.  

More often than not,

the reason isn’t because

a toothpaste cap hasn’t been replaced,

or garbage overflows in the can.

The marriages unravel because the couples aren’t talking,

aren’t connecting,

aren’t sharing what annoys and angers

so they can work through their disagreements,

work toward forgiveness and reconciliation.

Marriage needs work.

Marriage needs conversation and connection.

The Holy Spirit is there to help sustain marriage

but the Spirit cannot do it

if the spouses aren’t making an effort,

aren’t talking,

aren’t working to strengthen the partnership.

The things we hear on television,

or read in books and magazines,

or even learn from the web

from the psychologists, marriage counselors

and others encouraging couples to connect, talk,

and reconnect are right.

Even if they are not doing it intentionally

what these marriage helpers are doing is reminding couples

of the need to take care of the gift given them,

to nurture the gift.

Marriages can and do die,

die from neglect.  

Date nights,

Romantic weekends away,

Quiet times with cellphones, computers,

and televisions off:

These are not just the idle bloggings

of pop psychologists,

they are essential to caring for

the gift given couples by God.

They are part of a life clothed with love.

In our marriage service, we hear these words:

“God gave us marriage for the full expression

of the love between a man and a woman.

In marriage a woman and a man belong to each other,

and with affection and tenderness

freely give themselves to each other…”

(Book of Common Worship)

Said another way,

a couple cannot expect to live clothed with love,

live in the full expression of love

if they are not giving themselves freely to each other,

with affection and tenderness to each other;

and yes, that includes the deepest intimacy,

sexual intimacy,

for that too is gift given us by God,

even if our society treats it like sport.

The Reverend Frederick Buechner has written,

“A marriage made in heaven

is one where a man and a woman

become more richly themselves together

than the chances are either of them

could ever have managed to become alone.”

A marriage made in heaven

is a godly marriage,

with two godly people

each maintaining their own individuality,

even as they nurture and build up one another,

caring for one another selflessly,

caring for the gift given them in marriage.

A godly marriage is a marriage where

the couple take seriously the call

to give themselves freely to each other,

even when they don’t feel like it,

for that’s the promise they made to one another

in their marriage vows.

A godly marriage is a marriage

sustained by the Holy Spirit,

and nurtured by words of wisdom and counsel,

words of hope and encouragement,

words of forbearance and strength

we find the Bible.

Godly marriage takes work;

it takes patience,

it takes perseverance,

it takes forgiveness and selflessness.

But then, isn’t that the life we are called to

as disciples of our Lord?

It is easy to spot the couple who work at godly marriage.

They’re the ones who are at a table

at a restaurant enjoying dinner,

and more important,

enjoying one another’s company,

talking, listening,

smiling, laughing,

sharing their lives with one another.

It is obvious to any who look at them for more than moment

that they understand they’ve been given a gift,

an extraordinary gift,

a gift which they care for and nurture

through their words,

but even moreso through their acts,

striving to assure that even the smallest gesture

is clothed with love.

Two partners living joyfully,

living fully in the gift given them by God,

the two called to share love,

the two called to share life.

AMEN