For Better or Worse

The Rev. Whitworth Ferguson III
The First Presbyterian Church
Washingtonville, New York
May 1, 2005

For Better or Worse
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
John 3:1-12

In May my mind turns to marriage, for both personal
and professional reasons.
Pat and I were married in May,
and next week we will mark our anniversary.
Many of you joined us here in this Sanctuary five years ago
as we made our vows to each other.
I think about marriage for professional reasons, too:
I tend to preside at more weddings in May than in other months.
I got a head start last Sunday when I officiated at the wedding of
Kim Bucknor and Bill Hooper,
and I have two more weddings on the calendar coming up this month.

I love presiding at weddings – there is so much joy.
I can understand why Jesus was so willing to help his host
continue the party at the wedding in Cana.

And yet even in the midst of the joy and laughter
there is also a sense of seriousness, of purpose,
as both the couple and those gathered to witness the vows
reflect on the fact that God called the couple together
called them to their marriage.
The reality shows – Bachelor and Bachelorette,
along with computer dating,
all overlook God,
all leave God’s Holy Spirit out of the picture.
When I meet with couples to discuss their plans,
I want to feel comfortable that they both feel truly called
to their marriage.

In our reformed tradition we believe that marriage is a gift
given us by God
blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ,
and sustained by the Holy Spirit,
a union in which a man and woman become one.

I have found it more than a little paradoxical that
if we were to search through the Bible
for examples of good, solid marriages, we’d have a tough time:
Adam and Eve get into trouble right away,
as they blame one another for their disobedience
and try to lie their way out their situation.
Moses’ wife would have had a legitimate complaint
if she had said to her husband,
“all you think about is your work!”.
The prophet Jeremiah complained to God
that he was so busy doing all the work
that God called him to do that
he had no time for marriage or a family.
God forced Hosea into a marriage with a woman
of questionable morals.
Jesus of course did not marry,
unless you want to believe Dan Brown.
And some of Paul’s writings suggest that he did not
think marriage an especially wise step.

But we can never read the Bible in a superficial way,
and of course we can never read the Bible without the help
of God’s Holy Spirit to illumine and enlighten us;
So if we do a little digging we can find
insight and wisdom that can help us
not only with marriages, but in all our relationships.

And one of the best places to start is Paul’s letter
to the Corinthians.
Most of us have heard those words so many times
that they’ve begun to sound like a noisy gong or crashing cymbal.
Yet there is so much wisdom in Paul’s words:
Paul reminds us that love is far more than romance,
flowers, soft music, and candlelight.
Love is patience.
Love is kindness.
Love is not marked by boasting,
or envy,
or arrogance.

Love does not insist on its own way;
love does not insist on its own way.
In marriages, in fact in all relationships
this can be particularly troublesome.
we always want our own way.
The essence of love is thinking about the other person,
what matters to him or to her.
Men, it means more than just giving up the remote.
Women it means more than telling your husband he
doesn’t have to dance at your cousin’s wedding.

Love is listening,
hearing,
trying to understand what the other person is saying.
Men and women do often speak in entirely different languages.
John Gray’s notion that men are from Mars
and women are from Venus was based
on work done in the 1980s by a linguistics expert
named Deborah Tannen,
who showed that men and women speak in very different ways.

Love is marked by forgiveness;
Love is marked by mercy.
Love that is strong can truly bear all things,
including the inevitable ups and downs
that are part of any relationship
but especially marriage.

What Paul doesn’t say, though, is that love needs work;
love can only grow and blossom if it is tended, nurtured, and fed.
Neither marriages nor any relationship will ever be built on solid ground
if both parties don’t work at it.
Work at learning about the other person,
what is it that makes the person happy, brings the person joy
what is the other person’s dreams,
what do they want
what do they fear?
When was the last time you asked those questions
of your spouse and, listened, really listened,
your focus solely on your spouse
and what she or he was telling you?

The text I always share with a couple on their wedding day
comes from Paul as well, from his letter to the Colossians.
I find it fascinating that a man who could be at times
so strident and boastful, could write so eloquently about love!
He wrote, “As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,
meekness, and patience.
Bear with one another,
and if one has a complaint about another,
let it go, and forgive the person.
For just as the Lord has forgiven you,
so you also must forgive.
Above all, clothe yourselves with love,
which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Do not let the sun go down on your anger,
but let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,
and whatever you do in word or deed,
do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus
giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
(Colossians 3:12)

Rich and wise words for a couple to hear
as they begin their lives together
Rich and wise words for a couple to hear
as they celebrate an anniversary,
whether it is a fifth or a fiftieth.
Rich and wise words for a couple
that may be struggling in a marriage.
Rich and wise words for all of us to hear as disciples of Jesus Christ,
for through Jesus Christ don’t we all cleave to one another
as parts of the Body of Christ,
working with one another in good times and in bad,
in sickness and in health?

As you come to this table to refresh yourself and your spirit,
think about how you can tend all the loving relationships in your life:
your spouse, your children, your parents,
your extended family, your friends,
Think how you can tend your loving relationship
with your brothers and sisters in Christ
here and throughout the world.
If your actions and your words are not grounded in love,
you are little more than a noisy gong, a clattering cymbal.
But if your actions are grounded in love,
your words rooted in love,
you will have put away childish things,
childish thoughts,
and put on the robe of Christ:
the grace and love of God.
Amen